A Grandmothers Surprise

My Grandparents (on my Dad's side) used to live in Arizona and would come out to visit there Grandchildren, like Grandparents do.  This though is a time that I wish I would be able to forget, but because I do not think even the best of psychotherapists could erase this from my now tormented mind. 

Well as you know, Grandparents are old, and I don't know about yours but mine seemed to of had to take pills at every hour of the day. After my Grandparents had arrived my Dad made sure that there suitcases were set in the guest room, because they are old and only the cruelest type of people would want to see old people carry suitcases up two flights of stairs.  My Grandmother had brilliantly forgot to take her medicine, of course she mentions this after she watches my Dad take the bags upstairs.  I remember her yelling loudly at my Grandfather, who purposely turned down his hearing-aid (like any other day) and proceded to watch my Grandmother scream at him. "HERBERT HERBERT!"  I finally just wanted her shrill voice to stop so I said "Grandma, I will go get your pills where are they."  She starts off by saying that I am such a sweetheart and I don't have to do so. Just shut up and tell me where they are Grandma. (I was thinking that, not saying it. I am only cruel to my Grandmother in my mind.) "Open up the red suitcase and they will be in the side pocket, orange bottle with the little green pills." So like a the greatest grandchild on the planet, I head up the stairs thinking piece of cake.  Walk into the guest room, unzip the red suitcase, and a pile of clothes fall out of the suitcase.  I reach my hand into the side of the suitcase to fill around for any bottle of anything. As I am feeling around I feel the occasional clothes, shirts, a silk scarf, old people clothes, nothing out of the ordinary.  Then, I feel something cold and hard, metal like. What would Grandma have in here that would be hard and metal, a cane couldn't fit in here.  Curiosity kills the cat, and I grab hold of the metal and pull it out of the suitcase. 

I then proceed to pull out of my 84 year old Grandmothers suitcase a size 16 chain.....link.....thong.... At this point I feel like I was dreaming, I couldn't get over the fact that after 84 years of life and just about 50+ years of marriage my Grandmother is a freak!! I threw that nasty chain link thong back into the suit case as fast as I could trying to shove in underneath clothes just like I tried to bury it in my mind. Don't forget your mission Keri, you must find the medicine.  I shove my hand reluctantly back into the forbidden sex case and feel for anything that feels like a plastic bottle and not chain link, or leather, oh dear god please do not let me find leather in here! I finally find a pill bottle and grab it, peek at the bottle to what looks like little green pills. I stand up and begin my decent back down stairs to face freak-a-leak Verny.  Curiosity kills the cat for a second time when I look down to read the pill bottle. (It'll give me something to WebMD later, I thought.)  That's when I notice that the prescription I grabbed was for a Herbert, not a Verny and that bottle contained the little blue pill, Viagra.  As I come down the stairs, my Dad is walking past me going up the stairs.  I quickly hand off the bottle to him and said I can't take this anymore.  

Lesson of the Story:

1. Grandparents that do have sex lives after 50+ years of marriage should be recognized as a beautiful thing and not disgusting. (Or so my therapist says)

2. As Grandparents get older you have to remember that they are fragile, you just have to try to erase from your thoughts that your Grandmothers bruises are from innocence and not from a dominate Grandfather.

3. If there was to be a 4th book to the Fifty Shades Trilogy this one would be called Fifty Shades Of What the Fuck.

What Are You Talking About?!

Anyone who has worked in any type of customer service job knows what I am about to talk about. 

WEIRD CUSTOMERS

We don't encounter these often but when we do it is a story for decades. 


First off I will start, If you have your own personal name for an item of clothing that you wear often. Do not come into MY store and expect me to know what you are talking about.


Here I am, at work, been at work for 8 hours, working on a floorset.
Definition of Floorset (noun) When a retailer gets new merchandise, they have to change the floor to sell said merchandise. Usually takes 2-4 people based on floor size, and starts at ass-crack of dawn, takes 16-40 man hours to prepare.


I am getting prepared to finish up for the day, so it is time to put the supplies and tools away, now that we have customer traffic in the store. Here I am marching down the isle with a ladder on my shoulder. Usually, when I do so I keep my head to the ground and try not to make eye contact with any customer therefore I have the time to get my job done. 
"MISS!!! MISS!!" (Side note: I love getting screamed at.)  "Yes, ma'am can I help you with finding something." This is muttered loudly at the lady so that she cannot hear me mutter under my breathe what the fuck do you want?! 
She is looking in the department of swim, she is not looking in my department, which is why I was trying to avoid her, knowing full well that I was not going to be able to answer her question. 
"I am looking for a shoe called "Squishy"." I look at her puzzled and say "well ma'am I don't work in the shoe department so I am not sure if we carry "Squishies"."
  
Remember, when you were a kid and you had a special name for your stuffed animal. You never called it your stuffed dog, or stuffed bear, it had a name. (Mine was sparkles) If you ever lost such stuffed animal you were never able to describe it other than, it's snickers, or it's wellington, because it meant more to you than just a stuffed animal. 


The lady cuts me off while I am speaking, (Side Note #2: I love getting cut off while trying to explain something to a customer.) "I call them squishy, its not what they are called."

.....wait....

.......hold on.....

.......pause.....

You ask me if we have a certain item called squishy then procede to tell me that you made that name up yourself?! 
HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT A SQUISHY IS IF YOU MADE THAT NAME UP YOURSELF?!!!
"They are actually not like a flip flop, but they are water shoes, well not exactly water shoes." This is the point where I blocked the lady out of my head because I just couldn't process her in my brain any longer. I ended up just pointing her in the direction of my departments water shoes and walking away. In a moment like this you have walk away and try to process everything that just happened. You begin to ask yourself questions.
"Was she serious?"
"Do I act this way when I shop?"
"Did she really expect me to know what she was talking about?"
"How many other poor souls in the retail business did she baffle with that question?" 
"What grown adult gives names to there shoes?"
Just had to sit on it for a second and try to understand what just had happened. It shouldn't bother someone as much as it did, but what I think it boils down to is the idiocy of customers these days.  They expect that when they walk into a store for the associate there to just know everything they are thinking. Then to act surprised or disgruntled when we do not.  

On a Happy Note

Randomly after this stupid ass incident I had to work at the cash register and help check out a mom. She was with her two kids buying clothes.

Now we try not to judge when working customer service but it is against human nature when you try and fight that urge.  Now, to iterate, I do not hate kids, kids are awesome, we were all kids once.  I don't have anything against kids with learning disabilities, or mental disabilities. But when I have to laugh at something I have to laugh.

After I got done checking this woman out. Her daughter then proceeds to play on the CT scanner. 

Definition CT Scanner (noun): The box that sits in front of the register where you slide your card, answer some questions and enter in your pin number. 

This little girl, looks me dead in the eye. Picks up the fake pin that is attached the the CT scanner, begins to scribble on the screen. In a dull, loud, awkward voice says to me, "I'm an adult." She proceeds to violently scribble on the CT scanner, and then begin to pretend that the card was declined. She began yelling at her imaginary husband for spending it on a sports car, and women she didn't know. 

Now remember this little girl is probably all of 7-8 years of age. 

Then here I am not sure if I should walk away from her, find her mom, or just continue to stand there with a stupid look on my face. 

I just ended up walking away from her.

As we conclude our section of weird customers we conclude with what we have learned for the day.

1. When an associate is carrying a big ladder and proceeding to look at the ground, do not, I repeat, DO NOT yell at said associate across the isle, because at that moment the good customer service you came in for is thrown out the window.

2. Feel free to make up names for your personal items, just do not expect to have people understand what the hell you are talking about.

3. The television can and does make a great baby sitter for kids when you feel like not watching them, but do not leave it on T.V shows such as Desperate Housewives, or any reality T.V show. These children will begin playing as if there life mission is to be the next star on the 25th season of Big Brother.

Hi

Oh, didn't see you there. 

Hello.

Let me introduce myself.

Names Keri,

 like the lotion,

 which I use.

I am employed in the fashion area, 

if you call the crap I sell fashion.

I am a "behind" student. 

Currently single!

I have parents, 

still together after 30 years.

An older sister was the product as well of that 30 year relationship.

I eat everything with a fork, 

still to this day have no explanation as to why.

I like to make up stories or over exaggerate to make people laugh or smile. 

Been called 

crazy,

 spaz, 

sass, 

bitch, 

un-mutter-able c-word.

Everyone says some this but,

I have the greatest friends known to the entire world. 

Okay enough introduction, 

you'll get to know me better if you just 

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